While it may seem impossible during the early days of separation, it is possible to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. It ultimately comes down to setting solid boundaries, managing your emotions, and putting your child’s interests first.
Here are seven tips to help you and your ex develop an amicable co-parenting relationship to improve the quality of life for everyone involved.
Work with an Attorney
Many parents aiming for an amicable separation and division of parental duties try to do so without seeking legal counsel. However, working with a child custody attorney is beneficial to both parties, even if you sketch out a rough draft of an agreement together.
Putting together a parenting plan creates structure around your custody arrangement and ensures everything is legally valid. Your attorney will be able to identify anything you may have missed to create contingencies should anything change.
If your co-parenting relationship is challenging during the early days of your separation— totally understandable— an attorney can help you manage communications in a productive manner. Doing so will set you up for success when your emotions settle.
Minimize Your Interactions
Creating strong boundaries means keeping your interactions relevant and minimal. If you find yourself slipping into an unhealthy discourse with your ex— fighting or speaking with anger— put your phone down, take a break, and catch your breath.
If communications are challenging, consider incorporating set discussion time into your parenting plan or using a co-parenting app to foster healthier conversations. Scheduling apps can also help you keep up-to-date on events and happenings, such as sports schedules and birthday parties, without starting a conversation.
Create a Structured Schedule
Create a structured schedule that takes both parents’ strengths and limitations into mind while prioritizing your child’s needs. For example, it might not be realistic to have full or equal custody of your child if you have a busy work schedule that prevents you from getting your child to school or their extra-curricular events. It’s important to understand that a fair division of custody doesn’t mean equal division; fairness to the child is the top concern.
It’s also important to outline the division of responsibilities in the schedule. For example, who will take the child to sports on which nights or when and where handovers will take place.
Mind Your Words
It’s imperative that you mind your words when navigating a co-parenting relationship. It can be helpful to imagine your co-parenting relationship as a professional relationship and engage within that framework. In other words, you commit to not using words or tones that would get you fired from a job both when conversing with your ex and about your ex in the general public.
If nothing else, remember not to say negative things about the other parent in front of your child. Doing so will create feelings of confusion and guilt for your child about loving their other parent, and they don’t deserve to experience that because of your failed relationship.
Learn to Accept Parenting Differences
Successful co-parenting sometimes comes down to choosing your battles. You may disagree with how your ex-partner’s house operates and vice versa, but it doesn’t matter. As long as your child is safe and cared for, minor lifestyle and rule differences aren’t your concern. If your child challenges you on differences— bedtimes, for example— calmly explain that you and your ex-parent differently and have diverse rules.
If you have concerns about your child’s health and well-being, definitely have a civil conversation about it. Important considerations like schooling and health-related issues should be discussed and decided upon together.
Learn to Separate Your Emotions
It’s important to learn how to separate your emotions from facts when co-parenting. As many expert psychologists and psychiatrists will tell you, feelings aren’t facts.
It’s normal to feel resistance when your ex introduces a new partner to your child. However, unless you have valid concerns about your child’s safety, it’s none of your concern. Consider reaching out to a counselor to help you process your emotions in a productive manner.
Be Flexible if Possible
Finally, be flexible with scheduling and your agreement if possible. If your ex-partner’s family has a special event that falls on your custody day, consider what’s best for your child. Being flexible will improve the chances that your co-parent will allow you the same graces.
Developing a strong co-parenting relationship is attainable through cooperation and hard work. Remember that your child should come first; that’s the reason you’re doing this.
