What if you have just divorced your spouse but cannot have a civilized discussion without going nuclear on them? How would you raise your kids in a low-stress and healthy manner after an ugly divorce? Parallel parenting has an answer to both these questions and more, which is why it has become the favorite shared parenting arrangement of more and more divorcing couples.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a shared custody arrangement that allows divorced parents to play an active role in their children’s lives while remaining fully disengaged. Just like co-parenting, parents remain fully connected to their children which is a must for the little ones’ emotional well-being, but unlike co-parenting, parents have very limited contact to each other and a non-personal communication.
Parallel parenting is the best arrangement in high-conflict families since it limits parent-to-parent interactions, lets wounds heal, and allows children to build strong bonds with each parent without risking being engaged in toxic divided loyalty conflicts.
Just like co-parenting, collateral parenting enables divorced couples to work together to raise their kids, set boundaries, and stick to routines. But unlike co-parenting, there is less direct interaction and communication between parents who already can no longer communicate with each other with respect.
Why Is Parallel Parenting Sometimes Better?
Parallel parenting is sometimes a better than co-parenting because it enables parents to have their personal space, to not be exposed to constant criticism and nagging coming from their ex-spouses, and to allow trust to be restored (as long as the other parent keeps their share of the deal).
Parallel parenting is less stressful than sole custody arrangements because parents do not feel that they have been pushed away from their kids. And if parents do not feel threatened by the prospect of losing their kids’ love, they are more likely to remain open and cooperative with their ex-spouses.
But parallel parenting is a real boon for children as it protects them from being exposed to their parent’s ongoing conflicts. Research has shown that exposure to conflict can emotionally maim children as it fuels the anguish spurred by the separation of their parents.
Children love both parents and do not want to take sides. In co-parenting settings, they are often forced by parents to take sides and to act as messengers between their caregivers, which can tear them apart. Parallel co-parenting is designed to prevent these risks by allowing kids to build strong and healthy relationships with both parents which can boost their resilience after the divorce and prop-up their self-esteem later in life.
Parallel parenting is also a better option for high conflict families because when physical violence or blatant abuse is not involved, family court judges find it hard to identify the best parent to be granted the sole custody of children.
Tips for a Successful Start
For a successful parallel parenting arrangement, you need to agree on all the important aspects of your relationship with your kids from the get-got and find the best means of communication for your current family dynamic.
Also, each parent needs to assume such partnership and always keep the best interest of their kids in mind when making a decision.
Have a Plan
Create a parallel parenting plan you can both agree on and that takes into account the needs of your children. Be very specific from the start, setting dates, times, locations to prevent needless communication with your ex down the road.
Also, if you are a high-conflict family, keep the plan as detailed and structured as it can be. Any changes to the initial plan will be made in writing and with the other parent’s approval.
Choose Communication Channels
Choose a way of communicating with your ex spouse that doesn’t leave room to too many emotions. Keep any communication business-like. Avoid ad hominem attacks when things are not going according to the plan. Try to find solutions with your ex partner in a calm and respectful manner.
The best way to communicate in a high conflict situation is the trusty e-mail, since it allows you to state the facts without getting too emotional and gives you enough time to carefully draft a neutral text message.
Another good indirect communication method is the so-called parent communication notebook where each parent can record the child’s behavior, needs, wants, reactions to specific events, sleeping and feeding schedules, and suggestions (not instructions) to make things better.
Stick to the Schedule
The parallel parenting schedule needs to be very structured and detailed to avoid direct interaction between parents whenever possible, and you need to stick to it. Also, make sure that the schedule doesn’t trample on your children’s own personal and social life, so don’t schedule a meeting with them when they want to meet their friends or go out.
What’s more, any changes in the schedule should be recorded in writing and the other parent should agree upon them. Share the schedule in writing or via a calendar app.
Conclusion
In high conflict cases parallel parenting might be the only hope for both parents when looking to raise their children in a healthy manner, set boundaries, build resilience in their kids, but keep direct interaction at a minimum. Parallel parenting has also many more benefits than traditional shared custody arrangements, which could make it the go-to option for many high-conflict divorcing couples in the future.
